There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
