I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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