last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Randomize
