Please, let me fuck your mom
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
please come you make the beer taste better
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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