id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
