Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
