Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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