The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Randomize
