i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
