So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
