forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You ate ashes out of my bong
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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