How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
They are going to name an STD after you.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
