i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize