i used baking grease as lip gloss
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
