All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
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