I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
