Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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