i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
