Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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