So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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