1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
