i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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