So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
