Pregnant stripper...not hot.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
