I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I AM VODKA MAN
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Randomize
