Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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