my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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