you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
