the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
