I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
All I want is dick and wine.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
