i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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