good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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