my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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