I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
