Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
