One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
