omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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