the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize