Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
