And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
