her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
