So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
