i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
