I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
where does the pee come out of this thing
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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