Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
