I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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