Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
