The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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