yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
