I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
