My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
