im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
