Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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