he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize