Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
