I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
